Some people like to be martyrs. They're comfortable with playing the victim. Staying in an unhappy marriage and blaming it all on their spouse.

Instead of actively trying to improve the marriage, seek marriage counselling and learning to let go, they store it all up and chew it over, until you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. Keeping score of all they've done and feeling they're the innocent party. But they do nothing to change the status quo. Instead it becomes their shroud, their identity. They're the hard done individual who'll stay in the marriage as it's the right thing to do. Is it the right thing? The poisonous atmosphere for the children. The petty snipping. No affection. No love. No touching in front of the children. What model of a marriage is that to set for your kids?

Sacrificing your own happiness to waste years of your life screwing up your kids future as their whole road map of what a relationship is will be based on a lie. But they see it as their duty.

And would you want to date someone like that once their kids grow up and leave home and they finally divorce? If they can hold grudges and unforgiveness so well, then those are not good qualities in a partner. You'd be afraid to ever get it wrong and have it held against you for years to come.

Or maybe life in the marriage isn't as bad as they portray and it's a comfortable medium but to the outside world they like to be a victim? Maybe it's how they get people to date them? Then they can have an affair and stay in the marriage, you're their escape. People like that are damaged. They need to work on their issues. No one can fix someone else. I couldn't, but I thought I could. Only they can make those key decisions. Life is what you make it. Everything you ever wanted is beyond fear someone once said.

I fell in love with a married man. Me of all people. I grew up in a stable home my parents are still married, but I was divorced. I was lonely I'll admit that but I was one of those people who copes and gets on with life. I managed my finances, I worked hard and looked after my two children.

I was an expert on giving advice to others, I'd always scoffed at people stupid enough to have affairs. And then I went and did it.

I'd known him through work for 3 years and I knew his marriage was unhappy. He was a rep, so I didn't see him too often. I'd advised him to leave many times but I didn't fancy him. Or so I thought. It crept up on me and one day he paid me a compliment and we begun talking more. We begun talking everyday by email. Soon I checked my emails on waking without fail. I discovered how much we had in common, we laughed so much, he was so kind and before I knew it I was swept off my feet. After being on my own so long I was vulnerable. Deep down I convinced myself he'd leave his unhappy marriage soon. That it was ok. The irony!

He loved me in a way I'd never been loved before. I felt complete. As all adulterers think!
Everyday was a joy in that initial infatuation phase. And when he told me about his wife, I'd think I'm not like that! We'll be so happy together one day and get married.

But affairs aren't normal relationships. They don't follow the normal pattern of more and more time together, then moving in, then marriage. Every meet up has to be carefully planned, somewhere you won't be seen, a time where they can cover their tracks easily and it's never long. And it wasn't long before I was longing for more. I begun to feel resentful that he went home to his wife every night. He assured me he slept in the spare room, he was only there for his daughter. I'll never know if that's true. Or if his marriage is what he portrayed it to be.

People in unhappy marriages are damaged people. If they've tried everything they need to leave their spouse and work out what went wrong, what they contributed to the breakdown of the marriage and work on themselves first before dating. To learn to be happy on their own first of all. Otherwise they take all those issues into a new relationship. And if they're the sort of person who can't leave their marriage until they meet someone else they have bigger problems and you shouldn't go there. But I did! I was convinced he wasn't like the others. It would work out for us. It was so good to feel loved again. But no amount of love is worth the pain when it ends in my opinion. My affair lasted 16 months but the last 6 weren't easy. The strain of it was showing by then. But I couldn't walk away. Maybe I was scared to be lonely again? Or I'd lost any shred of self respect I had? Convincing myself I was better than his wife. But the desperation for more, hoping they'll finally end the marriage eats away at you.

I didn't think about the affect any of this would have on his child, we were being selfish. It was wrong and I was a fool to believe things would work out differently for me. Towards the end I'd lost my self respect, desperate for any small bit of time he could give me. I kept doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

I threw away months of my life to feel more broken after, than before I got involved and I now have a never ending ache for him. I actually blame myself for it ending and perhaps if I hadn't pushed for more we'd still be together? But that's no relationship, it's half a life, it is better to be alone. I just wish I could start to believe it.

You shouldn't have affairs, everyone knows that. Why didn't I take my own advice I give to others? I'm now in pieces and because it was a secret I can share my pain with no one on my loss. I was a fool.